I was on the phone with someone last week, and she began the conversation with, “I am a positive person. I try very hard to never complain about anything. People who complain all the time annoy me to no end! As a matter of fact, the other day…” and she proceeded to complain about her daughter, friends at church, relatives out of state, and a few other people. Apparently, they are all negative, complain, and find fault with others. She was really annoyed with all their complaining. Oh, the irony!

A few days later, I was talking with a neighbor. His conversation started, “I am such a positive person. I simply cannot understand why people need to complain so much! You should have heard…” and the litany of complaints began. The neighbor, the wife, the mechanic, the guy on the next machine at the gym… Apparently, my neighbor had met up with a lot of complaining people in the past week, and was really annoyed with their complaining. Oh, more irony!

I met up with my girlfriends this past weekend. You guessed it! No sooner had one of the ladies joined the group than she started, “My boss is such a _____. She drives me crazy with her complaining! She’s never happy and nothing is ever good enough. You know, I’m a positive person, but people like that…” Out of curiosity, I timed it. The complaining went on, unabated, for five minutes. No one else even said anything during the first round. Yes, more complaining followed, as I mentally giggled at the irony.

In my happy little world, if the same thing comes up three times in rapid succession, there is a message in it that I need to pay attention to. Yes, I am aware of this, but sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake.

I was talking to Greg after the girl’s outing. I looked over at him and said, “I cannot believe how much time people spend complaining about other people when they claim to be so positive!” I’m really not sure how I missed the ironic grin on his face, but I did manage to finally HEAR MYSELF at some point in the conversation.

Oh, the irony of it all. I’m a positive person! I am a Certified Life Coach and I CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to take a POSITIVE FOCUS! And, yes, I’m laughing at myself. It is so much more fun than beating myself up. It’s also a lot more fun than continuing to complain.

Thank you, Universe, for the gentle reminders to become aware of what is coming out of my mouth. It can only come out of my mouth if it is living somewhere inside me. What does that say about what is living in there? More irony.

Today, I choose to shift my own conversation back to celebrating the good! After all, there’s lots of it to celebrate!

My step-father, who entered my life when I was about six years old, was a horribly abusive man. I distinctly remember the beating (square yardstick on bare skin, left welts) that I got one afternoon because I forgot to take the trash to the curb before I went to school. Another, his belt on my bare skin from low back to knees left bloody welts, just months after he married my mother. He punched me in the face and broke my nose one Christmas Eve, and broke the back of my head open throwing me across the room one sunny afternoon. Those are a few distinct memories; most of what he did just runs together. He wasn’t the only abusive one; my mother was just as bad in her own way, though she wasn’t as physically strong. I developed a relentless vigilance to their moods and whereabouts in an effort to keep myself safe. That coping mechanism of vigilance stayed long after I left their home.

I remember an incident in a boyfriend’s bedroom when I was in my early 20’s. We had been out to dinner, and were joyfully on our way to a romp in bed. He flamboyantly whipped off his belt, and I ducked into a defensive crouch next to the bed. A mood-killer, to say the least. Coping mechanisms that work for one situation do not always serve well in another. Coping mechanisms also attract people who can relate to them. For the same reasons he left, others who were abusive were attracted to me.

Changing my life required changing my beliefs. I started that arduous journey from victim to master of my own destiny. There are many along the way holding signposts for me, but only I can make the trek.

The most recent shift came while I was in the practice of yoga. I was deep in a pose and realized that the muscle I was attempting to lengthen was full of fear. Pulling harder was not going to release the fear. I became aware that this was not the only fear-full muscle. It felt as though my whole body knew only fear, and had been using it as a form of fuel. It literally felt like I was fueled by fear.

Our Yogini is very intuitive and spoke out, “Breathe into the muscle. Just be with it and let it relax.” I dropped back to a space of compassion and acceptance. As I acknowledged what I was feeling, and did not make it “wrong,” the muscle began to process. I could feel it exploring a space of trust. As I continued to breathe with it, it began to release the fear, and the pain went with it. I moved deeper into the stretch than ever before, and more fully into a space of acceptance.

I have long known that the body holds memory. It had not occurred to me how those memories might affect the body, other than tightness. So far, this is the most poignant experience I have had of letting stored memories go. It wasn’t a single memory… more like an emotional landfill. I’m still processing, and the process requires that I learn to use other forms of fuel. Thankfully, I’m ready.

Another part of my childhood was spent with someone who lavishly loved me, nicknamed me “Princess”, and did everything possible to make me happy, make me feel special, and let me know I was loved.

Unfortunately, I carried the warm memories, but lived the cold behaviors into my adulthood.

I lived a form of Love Rationing. I spent a lot of time correcting flaws, mine and others’, and gave very little love and appreciation. After all, I had so little inside me that I believed if I gave it away, I would have none at all.

Even when I did say nice things, I came across as inauthentic. I didn’t have the authentic yummy inside me, so there really wasn’t much authentic yummy to give away.

Eventually, the warm memories inspired me to seek change in my life.

Yesterday, I found a note from a seminar. A single line on a large piece of paper. That line is worthy. It says:

They cannot be over-watered

We are not fruit that can spoil. We are not plants that will drown. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We cannot be spoiled by love. We cannot drown in love, at least, not in a bad way.

Love nourishes. Love builds up the body, mind, soul, & spirit. Love understands. Love soothes. Love heals.

There is no such thing as too much love.

And, there is absolutely no reason to ration love, because love expands as it is released.

If you are like me, you may want a little proof of this. Here’s an experiment to try. (I recommend trying it on plants, animals, inanimate objects, or children under 5 years old.  Start with the easy stuff! Also, it’s easier to see the results if you start on something that doesn’t “give back” in an apparent way.)

Step One: Check in to your current Love Level. Just notice (maybe on a scale of 1-10) how full of Love you are.
Step Two: Choose something you really like. It may be a thought, a thing, or a being. We’ll call it your Love Object.
Step Three: Sit with your Love Object. Just sit with it for a few moments, focusing on whatever it is that you enjoy about it.
Step Four: Begin to tell your Love Object everything that you love about it.
Step Five: Check in to the area of your heart. Notice how it feels. Practice letting that area expand. You may notice a stretching sensation, and it may even be uncomfortable at first. Breathe! The exhale is the body’s natural way of releasing tension and discomfort.
Step Six: Return your focus to your Love Object. Continue to allow your Love to flow to your Love Object until you feel complete with the exercise.
Step Seven: Check in to your current Love Level and enjoy the expansion.

Repeat the process as often as you desire. When you feel really comfortable with it, you may even want to try it on other people!

Love does not need to be rationed. It is infinite and inexhaustible. Give it away and you will find even more in your life.

Lately, I work longer hours for less pay, and I’m much happier. It may not seem logical, but dreams rarely are logical in the beginning. I was working for Citicorp back in 1987 when I began to realize that corporate life probably wasn’t for me. I had this wild dream that I could be my own boss, work from home, and make a living. At the time, my son was turning 5, and I really wanted to be there while he was growing up.

I was working full time + overtime when I decided to get my Massage Therapy certification. In the illogical manner of dreams, I added school (the closest one was a two-hour drive from my house) to my already-full schedule. I knew it would ‘only’ take 18 months to finish school, and then freedom would be in sight.

Looking back, one side of me thinks I may have been slightly insane. The other side of me merely chuckles, knowing that a dream pursued is passion declared, and that is always a good thing. Back then, my conscious motivation was being home for my son. I wasn’t aware of any underlying factors; I simply set off in the direction of my dreams.

It was eight years, another corporate downsizing, and several life-turns later, when I finally found myself doing massage full-time. For many years, the closest I got to working from home was when I owned the house next to my office. Then life took another painful twist, and that career ended, too. The dream, however, survived. It turns out that last twist was what made it possible for my dream to become reality.

I now work from home as a writer, facilitator, mentor, and Life Coach. I’m my own boss, and my income is growing each month. I am blessed beyond belief. I love my work, my clients, my business partners, and – best of all – I love my life! The path wasn’t always pretty, and it wasn’t always ugly. Life is like that. I did the best I could each step of the way, and I still am. Looking back, I’m certain that things would have been easier if I had understood the things I do now, but then I wouldn’t have learned so many valuable lessons. Those painful lessons (painful then) are beautiful gifts as I share them now.

I’ve built a business from scratch before, so the baby steps of growth are familiar to me. I recognize the markers along the way and get to celebrate them instead of being anxious. I’m doing what I love, and loving what I do, enjoying that I now support others as they find their way to happiness by following their truth, both professionally and personally. I believe that if we do what we love, abundance must follow. I believe it because I’ve seen it happen so many times, and it’s happening yet again for me. Wildest dreams really do come true!

BTW, the cat’s name is Zoë. She has installed herself as Editor on my desktop and oversees all of my writing. Working from home certainly has its perks!

I had one of ‘those’ coaching calls a few days ago. I called my coach with no agenda other than celebrating the amazing amount of stuff I have completed in the past weeks. As our conversation progressed, we found me talking a lot about the past, and how things are different now. My childhood came up, and wanting to keep the conversation current (the definition of coaching) my coach asked a powerful question: “What if your parents’ only responsibility was to see that you were born.”

My reaction surprised both of us. Instead of inspiring resentment release regarding how they parented me (much of that work has been done, though traces still remain,) my reaction was, “How could they do that to me?”

I still don’t want to be here.

As I grab my stash of M&M’s, I realize how deep this is. I chose to be here. I continue to choose to be here. I have my Life Purpose to fulfill. “BUT, I DON’T WANNA!!!” the 2-year-old inside me screams. And, yet, I do want to. The highest part of my soul has finally found its purpose, and it’s not ready to leave. Things are finally starting to get good in this lifetime.

“But, it’s HARD,” whimpers that adorable, frightened little two-year-old, “I don’t know how to do this, and I’m afraid of what happens when I get it wrong.”

Ever had that feeling?

My ego collected 43 years of proof about what happens when I get it wrong. A few years back, I was introduced to an entirely different concept. A dear friend informed me, “There is absolutely no way you can do it wrong.” I still get tears in my eyes over that one. Joe kept telling me the same thing every time he saw me. It took many months, but I finally heard him. There is no possible way to get it wrong. Everything happens as it should. If it should have happened differently, it would have happened differently.

I really can’t do it wrong, AND, I forgot to pass that bit of information on to the two-year-old. AND, I didn’t do it wrong, because now I get to share that process with you.

I understand that part of me is frightened. After all, people only act out from fear, pain, and other discomfort. Rather than invalidating the pain by ignoring it, saying it shouldn’t hurt, or one of the many other ways I was taught to discount my feelings, I choose to dialogue with that part of me.

“Tell me about what happens,” the simple act of listening. A wise soul once told me that people will tell their stories until they finally feel heard. So, I listen, until all the tears and fears have been released, until the well is empty. Joy returns.

It really is that simple. All that stuff is in the past; it just needed release. As time goes by, I still find storage areas of old pains. Carefully covered over, they create land-mines of reactions when stepped on. Their current-day purpose is my learning. So, I open them up, disconnect all the explosive parts, clean them out, and embrace the healing. Learning is messy. Life is messy. I can celebrate the messes, too.

My current reality is that I can’t do it wrong. Everything happens for a purpose. It’s really not a mess… everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Gee, I’m not craving M&M’s now. Life is sweet again. I’m glad to be here.

I know I’m not the only one who has ever struggled with this. I see it on Facebook, in my coaching practice, and among my friends. No one answer fits every situation. I’ll share the guidelines I’ve recently had to apply in my life. Maybe you’ll find something useful.

Unsolicited advice is unwelcome advice
I can see that she’s playing victim and alienating people who love her. I can see she’s in a tremendous amount of pain, and has no idea that it is self-inflicted. Of course, I could point this all out to her… but would that really help?
I’ve been in that space where it seemed like the whole world had turned against me. Of course, that was one perspective… and I was likely to bite the head off of anyone who suggested my viewpoint might be a little off. Maybe you can relate?
Unsolicited advice has a tendency to feel like acid instead of balm in a wounded heart. And, the only reason a person will fight and snarl is because they are in pain.

My discomfort is not a reason to interrupt
Just because it is uncomfortable for me to watch, does not mean I get to step in. I’ve had this conversation many times lately: Life’s lessons seem to stick best when they hurt most. It’s not so hard to take when it’s my own lesson, but watching someone I love? That’s hard! I’ve been through that pain, and I know how much it hurts. I don’t want to have to watch. Yet, the topic here is my friend’s lesson, not my pain.
Back to basics: when my son was learning to tie his shoes, he would sometimes get frustrated and angry. If I stepped in and tied his shoes every time he got frustrated, he would have never learned how. Besides, he really did get mad when I did that. (Typical toddler response, “I can do it myself!”)
What she’s going through is not that different. It’s an uncomfortable lesson. She is hurt and angry, she will cry, she will learn, she will get over it and move forward with her new learning in place. Or, she will get to do the same lesson again until she does. Sooner or later, people will to do their thing and get to the other side.

Self-care is the highest form of care
As a recovering raging codependent, this one still gets me sometimes. I was raised to take care of everyone around me. Self-sacrifice was a way of life. It was simply how things were done.
However, when there is a tornado bearing down, going outside to reason with the tornado is blatantly suicidal. The tornado can’t hear, and isn’t rational anyway. Emotion, out of control, is like that tornado: lots of irrational energy that doesn’t even realize it is wreaking havoc. To continue the analogy, the best thing I can do is seek shelter. If I can’t stop the storm, at least I can protect myself until it is over.

Ultimately, my belief is that everything happens for a reason. The best I can do is trust that the same God that loves & guides me is loving & guiding her, too.

I am scheduled to appear in court tomorrow.

This event marks the closing of an incredible chapter in my life. In my Zen-world, I carry the belief that everything happens as it should. I was a little surprised when I started feeling panicky today. I suddenly had a very strong need to get everything ready for tomorrow, right down to my shoes. The logical side of my mind doubts that the Chapter 7 Bankruptcy Trustee cares what shoes I wear. Nonetheless, there was a strangely insistent warning voice telling me to get everything ready.

As I read over the notice, I mentally checked off the requirements. Hmmm, no cell phones allowed in the courthouse – mental note to leave it in the car. Driver’s license & social security card. Yep, they’re in my wallet. That little voice piped up, “Better double-check.” Well, better safe than sorry. Driver’s license, check! Hey, wait a minute; my social security card should be right here… it’s probably in that old wallet. That small, panicky feeling extended its claws and gripped my stomach. I located the old wallet, but no social. Then I hit my “vital records” file; still nothing.

Panic morphed into an octopus, seizing my stomach, lungs, heart, head, shoulders, and more! I had just begun frantically tearing through old papers when the phone rang. Long-distance, my friend joined in the hunt. “Where did you last see it? Did you use it when you changed your Driver’s License? Have you checked…?” The questions were good, but they didn’t lead to the missing identification. She offered that sometimes when she lets go of something for a little while, what she’s looking for usually comes to her. I’ve noticed the same thing in my life. We both dropped that subject and went on to other business.

Two minutes after I hung up the phone, I was back on the hunt. As I tried to remember where Greg put my things the last time he reorganized, I opened a box and found the packing tape. This doesn’t belong here! Reaching into the closet to put the tape away, I spied a small, familiar looking box. Seconds later, I held the wayward document in my hand.

Thank goodness for a fully-functional early-warning system! Had I gone with my assumptions, tomorrow would not have gone well. The panic served its purpose, received my full appreciation and praise, and has gone back to purring contentedly in the corner. One door will close, another will open, and life will go on. It all has a purpose.

To answer that question, yes, I do have days like today when the circumstances of my life are not meeting my positive focus and expectations. Of course, the deeper truth is sometimes life is meeting exactly my focus and expectations… that are NOT positive! Either way, the only time it turns into a bad day is when I lose contact with my deepest belief: Ralph is not out to get me! Ralph is out to get good things to me! If Ralph was out to get me, he would have gotten me already; after all, Ralph knows where I live.

When I’ve lost connection with my core beliefs, I deliberately break contact with the majority of the outside world. I want to increase positive energy in everything around me, not reduce it. By not jumping on Facebook or my blog with issues before I’ve gotten the lesson in them, I do not spin that negative energy off to my friends, associates, and on into the world. YAY!

Of course, in those times before I understand what the discomfort is about (I believe ALL discomfort exists to bring a lesson) I seek the support of those who will not engage in the negativity with me, but help me find the lesson in it, and turn it all to a positive experience. That even includes those experiences that are not particularly pretty, flattering, or appreciated by my ego!

Once I’ve gotten the lesson, then it’s time to CELEBRATE! Back out into the world I go, spreading the joy, happiness, laughter, love, and positive energy that is inherent in a life well lived, and lessons well learned.

I hope, in some way (as coach, mentor, mystic, writer, friend, etc.) that what I do increases the joy in your life! After all, you are an important part of me & the world we live in! You DESERVE joy!

Success has made me brave; my experience is exactly the opposite. It seems that the more open I am about what I do, the more people come to me for help, because they finally feel like someone understands.

In the simplest terms, I do the impossible.

I believe in the magical, mysterious, mystical ways of that which is truly Divine.

I know that there is an energy that can be felt, heard, tasted, smelled and, when I am willing, even seen. I feel the prickles of energy run through my body when something is very right, and a different kind of energy when something is wrong. I intuitively know how to touch people to relieve pain, and do remote healing (where I work on someone in another city, state, or country). I have seen angels, heard the audible voice of God (once), and have exited my body to enter Divine Peace (once). I get messages, though I still haven’t found a word to define them, from That Which is Love. I know it is Love, because it is much gentler and kinder than I am, and it teaches me to be gentler & kinder with every experience.

If I tell you the answers to your greatest life mysteries, you may or may not accept them. However, if I help you to DISCOVER those answers for yourself, through your own Divine connection, you will always know what is true for you. If I tell you why you are here on this planet, it may never sink in; if I help you WITNESS your reason for being, you will never forget. My purpose is not to give you advice, but to guide you to your inner truth.

I do not believe I am unusual in my abilities, only in my willingness. I believe we all have the same “right of access;” we only vary in our degrees of willingness to experience what we were told was impossible.

There’s a reason you are reading this. I invite you to experience the impossible. Come play in the mysteries of the Universe. I look forward to accompanying you on the greatest trip of all!

p.s. I learned this today: impossible = I’m possible!

Yes, you are!

To give you a little background, five years ago, I was a “success” by most standards. I had learned from earlier financial mistakes, recovered from being laid-off, and built my own business. I owned my office, my home, and had recently purchased my dream retirement property. I had the requisite six months’ worth of emergency funds in the bank, and no debt except on real property. I loved what I did for a living, my income was higher than it had ever been, etc. Then the unthinkable happened (for more on that, read Ignoring Wisdom.)

This week, I am filing bankruptcy for the second time. If ever there was an opportunity to feel like a failure, this is it. After all, I have two ex-husbands, two bankruptcies, a failed business… all that’s missing is the partridge in a pear tree.

Maybe that’s a little melodramatic.

Nonetheless, this Chinese Proverb keeps coming to me:

“Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.”

The fact that I am not beating myself up, tearing myself down, or otherwise abusing myself is proof that I’ve made enormous progress. So is the fact that I continue to function. After being laid-off many years ago, I spent six months in bed trying to deal with depression; I wasn’t refusing to get up; I simply couldn’t during that time. Of course, I eventually did get out of bed, and in to a much healthier way of being.

“Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” ~ Plato

So this is the new “failure is not an option.” Things will happen that are not in accordance with my plan, no matter how many contingencies I have in place. I may even see those things as disasters. I am allowed to grieve, breathe, and take my time recovering. It’s all progress. It’s all part of my purpose for being here on this fine Earth: to learn, grow, and continue to become the most compassionate soul I can be… even (especially!) when it comes to how I treat me!

Had I known how to be more compassionate with myself, it would not have taken five years for me to release myself from a situation I could not fix. That’s okay, too. I’m here now. Whatever happens, I will continue to make progress. Yes, failure is not an option. Being gentle with myself is the best way to ensure that I never fail (myself) again.